I quite often browse social anxiety community forums to see what people are going through and try to present some advice. A thought I often see is "I'm such a social retard". One particular occasion is underneath:
“I’m a 35 yr old residing in a sunny country
Anway, today I observed that I officially have no pals at all…Sad really. I’ve been a loner since junior high. Sure I had a few buddies here and there during that time but they all come and go far too soon. I just can't understand why.
So I was total loner until 2004 when I met a girlvia an online chat room. And then we met face-to-face, she became my girlfriend . She also became my best friend (heck she was my one and only friend!). She was the only person I could hang out with. She made me feel free!
Long story short- she dumped me last month (the 2nd time)We can’t even be friends anymore…Man, I feel so gutted right now. Really heartbroken.
This is the point where I wish I had a few close mates I can hang out with and get some support like in that movie Brooklyn Rules. Wish I have that kind of friends, very close knit and all.
Like most folks here, I also have difficult time making friends. I’m such a social retard. I have no idea how to be around people. Very retarded at it.
Anyway, sorry for yammering too much as I really needed an outlet to let this out. I must say I feel a bit better now.
Regards,
********
_________________________________________________________________________
What we have here is a story about how life with SA isn’t going well for this one particular person. Notice there is something very interesting about 3/4 of the way through the post. The person comes out with “I’m such a social retard”.
For this person being a social retard is the way they look at their life. Everything else in their post is a result of this belief that they have about themselves, and this belief has become a filter that they use to look at their life.
Monday, 13 September 2010
Monday, 28 June 2010
What Causes Anxiety
In this article I hope to give you the reader a better understanding about what causes anxiety. Let me start off by saying that anxiety is a completely natural and healthy emotion to have.
Anxiety is one the emotions that come from the primal part of the brain. The primal brain is at the centre of the human brain and it's primary function is dealing with the “four F responses”. These responses include: Fornication, getting hungry therefore Food, Fighting, and Fleeing. They are all movement generating emotions, i.e. they all move you either towards or away from something. Anxiety comes from self protection, when it isn't overwhelming it can really help you, it can spark adrenaline that gets you out of a predicament like dangerous animals... or in this day and age dangerous criminals and drug abusers.
In order to understand anxiety becoming a problem I need to tell you about another area of the brain. This area is called the creative/adaptive area and is located in the cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex is that “veiny” looking area around the outside of the brain which you can see in most photos or diagrams of the brain. The creative/adaptive area of the brain is where all your problem solving abilities come from, it's where humans get their superior intelligence, and it's where emotions like curiosity and fun come from.
In a healthy brain there will be an input from one (or more) of the human senses which will start a switching effect between these two areas of the brain. Either you will think about the input (creative/adaptive area), or you will do something about the input (primal area). The brain will then switch back and forth between these 2 areas until you focus on another input. A good example of this might be tying your shoelaces, you see the laces (input), you think about how to tie a good knot (creative/adaptive), you tie the knot (primal), you make a mistake and rethink about how the knot should be formed (creative/adaptive) and tie it that way (primal), you hear your friend calling you (new input, shift of focus) and you go off to meet them (primal).
In the previous example there was a balanced brain being demonstrated. I'll show you when anxiety can be a problem. If you have an input to the brain and it has two specific features present: novelty and a high emotional state, there is a process which occurs in the brain which causes a very strong link to be made directly into the primal brain. Let me give an example of this. Lets say that as a child the first time you met a dog (novelty) it bit you and you were very scared (high emotional state). This would be enough to create the strong connection and from then on whenever you met a dog you would immediately go back into that highly emotional state. The reason for this is because the link is so strong it cuts off the brain's ability to connect to the creative/adaptive area which would allow you to think your way out of the anxiety (“oh but this dog is just a puppy and looks harmless, I think I'll pet it” rather than “oh no! Another dog, run for the hills!”).
This is where we get problems with anxiety, it's not because we feel the emotion, but because we feel the emotion in such an overpowering way that we are unable to think and problem solve our way out of the situation. It is not therefore so much as what causes anxiety that is the problem (if you've had the novelty and high emotion in any situation anxiety can be triggered by literally anything: people, needles, silence etc.). The problem is that there is an out of balance reaction going on in the brain that needs to be fixed.
Anxiety is one the emotions that come from the primal part of the brain. The primal brain is at the centre of the human brain and it's primary function is dealing with the “four F responses”. These responses include: Fornication, getting hungry therefore Food, Fighting, and Fleeing. They are all movement generating emotions, i.e. they all move you either towards or away from something. Anxiety comes from self protection, when it isn't overwhelming it can really help you, it can spark adrenaline that gets you out of a predicament like dangerous animals... or in this day and age dangerous criminals and drug abusers.
In order to understand anxiety becoming a problem I need to tell you about another area of the brain. This area is called the creative/adaptive area and is located in the cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex is that “veiny” looking area around the outside of the brain which you can see in most photos or diagrams of the brain. The creative/adaptive area of the brain is where all your problem solving abilities come from, it's where humans get their superior intelligence, and it's where emotions like curiosity and fun come from.
In a healthy brain there will be an input from one (or more) of the human senses which will start a switching effect between these two areas of the brain. Either you will think about the input (creative/adaptive area), or you will do something about the input (primal area). The brain will then switch back and forth between these 2 areas until you focus on another input. A good example of this might be tying your shoelaces, you see the laces (input), you think about how to tie a good knot (creative/adaptive), you tie the knot (primal), you make a mistake and rethink about how the knot should be formed (creative/adaptive) and tie it that way (primal), you hear your friend calling you (new input, shift of focus) and you go off to meet them (primal).
In the previous example there was a balanced brain being demonstrated. I'll show you when anxiety can be a problem. If you have an input to the brain and it has two specific features present: novelty and a high emotional state, there is a process which occurs in the brain which causes a very strong link to be made directly into the primal brain. Let me give an example of this. Lets say that as a child the first time you met a dog (novelty) it bit you and you were very scared (high emotional state). This would be enough to create the strong connection and from then on whenever you met a dog you would immediately go back into that highly emotional state. The reason for this is because the link is so strong it cuts off the brain's ability to connect to the creative/adaptive area which would allow you to think your way out of the anxiety (“oh but this dog is just a puppy and looks harmless, I think I'll pet it” rather than “oh no! Another dog, run for the hills!”).
This is where we get problems with anxiety, it's not because we feel the emotion, but because we feel the emotion in such an overpowering way that we are unable to think and problem solve our way out of the situation. It is not therefore so much as what causes anxiety that is the problem (if you've had the novelty and high emotion in any situation anxiety can be triggered by literally anything: people, needles, silence etc.). The problem is that there is an out of balance reaction going on in the brain that needs to be fixed.
Friday, 25 June 2010
overcoming social anxiety and shyness
Overcoming social anxiety and shyness is a mean accomplishment. It deviates person to person as to just how much work is needed. For some people it requires nothing more than going out and practicing speaking to people to get past negative thoughts that aren’t very strong. For others on the other end of the scale it needs years of research, trying and failing with most likely numerous different techniques until something is found that works . The bulk of people are in the middle, and for the unfortunate few social anxiety is something they will never get over.
I have been thinking lately about regardless of how stuck someone may be, just what does it take to be that type of person who is likely to overcome it. I thought back through my own past from my days over six years ago now when I started out on a huge journey to change my life.
The principal responsibility is to yourself.
Regardless of the approach they end up picking a person has to be able to have responsibility for themselves. If you are the sort of person who wont quit whining with regards to being where you are because of other people then you probably will never be able to have great results. Your entire justification is that because somebody else “broke” you either they or somebody else needs to “fix” you. The only issue is no one ever will. Even when you look for methods to support you it is ultimately you that needs to do the work.
You have to be able to commit to change.
Numerous people start out trying to stop their anxieties and become happy with life, of those that set out likely 90% or more fail. From the research I have done the majority of that 90% is due to people falling in with an unsupportive crowd. While I say unsupportive I don’t mean those who don’t help out. I discovered so many people fail because they join a group (typically an online social anxiety forum) where people are more than eager to “help” you by justifying where you are and not giving you the kick up the backside to press on). People who wind up on these forums lose the commitment they started with, this new group makes them come to feel safe and supported, but in truth they are generally just stuck in a slightly different place.
Take pleasure in the smaller changes.
Being in a position to see the little changes in life is important. When I first started out all I knew was that the person I had become was not the person I wanted to be. What I aimed for were massive changes that were in line with exactly the change that I was seeking. I learned however that this is a seriously problematic viewpoint. You see when you view life through a problem what you see at the destination of where you want to go is entirely distorted. By being able to see and get pleasure from small changes I was able to keep reaffirming that life was indeed much improved.
There are a great many other personality traits that will help you along the way . I’d like to open up the comments to allow anyone who has succesfully overcome their social anxiety and shyness to post about the traits they needed. I may also cover some in a future post.
I have been thinking lately about regardless of how stuck someone may be, just what does it take to be that type of person who is likely to overcome it. I thought back through my own past from my days over six years ago now when I started out on a huge journey to change my life.
The principal responsibility is to yourself.
Regardless of the approach they end up picking a person has to be able to have responsibility for themselves. If you are the sort of person who wont quit whining with regards to being where you are because of other people then you probably will never be able to have great results. Your entire justification is that because somebody else “broke” you either they or somebody else needs to “fix” you. The only issue is no one ever will. Even when you look for methods to support you it is ultimately you that needs to do the work.
You have to be able to commit to change.
Numerous people start out trying to stop their anxieties and become happy with life, of those that set out likely 90% or more fail. From the research I have done the majority of that 90% is due to people falling in with an unsupportive crowd. While I say unsupportive I don’t mean those who don’t help out. I discovered so many people fail because they join a group (typically an online social anxiety forum) where people are more than eager to “help” you by justifying where you are and not giving you the kick up the backside to press on). People who wind up on these forums lose the commitment they started with, this new group makes them come to feel safe and supported, but in truth they are generally just stuck in a slightly different place.
Take pleasure in the smaller changes.
Being in a position to see the little changes in life is important. When I first started out all I knew was that the person I had become was not the person I wanted to be. What I aimed for were massive changes that were in line with exactly the change that I was seeking. I learned however that this is a seriously problematic viewpoint. You see when you view life through a problem what you see at the destination of where you want to go is entirely distorted. By being able to see and get pleasure from small changes I was able to keep reaffirming that life was indeed much improved.
There are a great many other personality traits that will help you along the way . I’d like to open up the comments to allow anyone who has succesfully overcome their social anxiety and shyness to post about the traits they needed. I may also cover some in a future post.
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Coping with Social Anxiety
Coping when you have social anxiety can be a serious task. There are way more times than I can recall that I didn’t cope when I had it. I can recall lots of nights where I would cry my lonesome self to sleep. Days where I would go out in to a public location and not be able to develop a connection with anybody and go home in profound despair.
Coping with social anxiety is all about having goals. A lot of therapists and advice givers choose to explain to you that coping is something you undertake over the long term. Personally I feel that is something that’s doomed to failure becuase you are attempting to fight your own mind rather than figure out what is generating the fear and repair that.
I believe it is worth choosing a couple of techniques for when coping with social anxiety is much too difficult, they will stop you from doing something stupid and permit you to go on with your life, just as long as you bear in mind these are only advised to be made use of for a matter of a couple of hours until you can get yourself into a healthier psychological position… they are not for long term usage.
1. Hypnosis. Hypnotherapy has many approaches for inducing trance states and feelings of deep relaxation. I used to use some and it helped. Alas I have yet to come across a approach of hypnosis that can handle the basic emotions that generate social anxiety though I have come across quite a few people who promise it.
2. Deep Breathing. Deep breathing is a good one when you are in the moment and you’re about to have a panic attack. It may bring you back down if done in the right way, you can also do no damage to yourself with correct breathing. Find some techniques and practice them someplace comfortable.
3. Self Anchoring. Anchoring is a very highly effective method of inducing emotions. It is well worth getting a proper guide, personally I have identified no superior approach than that available at essential-skills.com. When you use self anchors you set up a trigger for a comfortable emotion, for example pressing your right thumb to index finger, your mind and body then follow into that state and it makes it possible for you to break free of the anxiety for a short time.
Just remember that if you want long term results in getting over social anxiety you should have more than short term coping techniques.
Coping with social anxiety is all about having goals. A lot of therapists and advice givers choose to explain to you that coping is something you undertake over the long term. Personally I feel that is something that’s doomed to failure becuase you are attempting to fight your own mind rather than figure out what is generating the fear and repair that.
I believe it is worth choosing a couple of techniques for when coping with social anxiety is much too difficult, they will stop you from doing something stupid and permit you to go on with your life, just as long as you bear in mind these are only advised to be made use of for a matter of a couple of hours until you can get yourself into a healthier psychological position… they are not for long term usage.
1. Hypnosis. Hypnotherapy has many approaches for inducing trance states and feelings of deep relaxation. I used to use some and it helped. Alas I have yet to come across a approach of hypnosis that can handle the basic emotions that generate social anxiety though I have come across quite a few people who promise it.
2. Deep Breathing. Deep breathing is a good one when you are in the moment and you’re about to have a panic attack. It may bring you back down if done in the right way, you can also do no damage to yourself with correct breathing. Find some techniques and practice them someplace comfortable.
3. Self Anchoring. Anchoring is a very highly effective method of inducing emotions. It is well worth getting a proper guide, personally I have identified no superior approach than that available at essential-skills.com. When you use self anchors you set up a trigger for a comfortable emotion, for example pressing your right thumb to index finger, your mind and body then follow into that state and it makes it possible for you to break free of the anxiety for a short time.
Just remember that if you want long term results in getting over social anxiety you should have more than short term coping techniques.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
The reason Bashing Ones Head Towards a Wall Will certainly Only Ever Create Alot more Bruising
1 of my favourite solutions to try and amend my behaviours and beliefs when I was maturing up appeared to be to bash my head towards a wall time after time. Now i'm not talking practically of course that sort of idea could very well supply you with neural harm for your life, except if you might be fortunate enough to have walls made of feather pillows.
I've seen that I'm not the only individual which has used this particular tactic. Those of you that suffer from social anxiety as I was know just what exactly it's like to just try and put yourselves out there, all things considered that's the guidance you so usually hear isn't it? "Just go and talk to him or her" "Try, try and try again" "Practice makes perfect!". Not just do family members (and friends in case you have any) supply this particular "gold" advice but you hear it from health professionals, therapists, teachers and all manner of other individuals who plainly just never recognize what occurs whenever you do try.
I bear in mind a single experience from a lot of years ago. I managed to push myself out to a bar with a couple of individuals I knew. I noticed the barmaid and decided I wished to speak to her, after all, though I had been socially phobic I still Wanted to be social I just simply could not do it. For around an hour or so I sat in terrific fearfulness absolutely fixed to my bar chair. 1 part of my brain was endeavouring to pressure me to go up and say at the very minimum "hey", the other side had me stuck to the chair worrying that she might rip down my life and tear me to shreds for having the audacity of seeking to hold a civilised discussion. For that complete hour or so I really physically shook with the effort and I by no means budged an inch. Thus just what exactly happened? Well eventually the folks I was with made the decision they wanted to leave, it was at this loss from the possibility of even saying so much as a hello that I at long last pushed myself through and acquired the courage to say this one word. I gazed around... she was long gone... I sank back into my realm of misery once more.
At this point you may perhaps either be able to fully understand precisely what I'm chatting about or else you are in total amazement that anyone may possibly feel this way. All things considered it's only other people! Well for all those of you which are in the 1st group let me say this: "Stop bashing your head, it is going to do nothing but bruise". Rather you should uncover a different manner of approaching the predicament.
If perhaps you would like to find out more concerning just how to get over the fear check out: Social Anxiety Tips
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
So You Believe You Have a Social Phobia?
Social anxieties and phobias are becoming very common. According to the mental health field the web with web sites like facebook and myspace are starting to develop a generation of socially scared humans. It is actually rather easy to comprehend with these kind of sites how this could happen. In times past when people wanted to interact with others there was no other alternative than to go out and see them in a particular meeting place, be it a pub, park, at work etc. This type of behaviour kept people's abilities to interact fresh and up to date. However now that people spend so much time on sites where the only kind of interaction is hitting keys on a keyboard, this ability to maintain their skills clean is diminishing. The brain basically starts to get rid of that which it no longer uses. Want an example of this? Think of some thing you used to be able to accomplish very effectively which you no longer practice e.g. mathematics, skipping, painting, playing a musical instrument etc. Now go and attempt to accomplish that thing again, I gamble you can't, I gamble you don't come close. Why? Since the brain got rid of what it no longer made use of, it got clearer in other parts, like hitting keys on a keyboard.
Now what about if you are not really a fan of either facebook or perhaps myspace and yet you nevertheless find that when it comes to interacting that you are either incapable or even basically don't feel comfortable with it. It is the place I came from with my own journey. When I was growing up I don't know when or exactly where it started out or why it wound up in the way it did. I developed a really severe anxiety of social situations as well as people as a whole. It wasn't that I didn't like people it was simply that I was afraid of them. Scared to open my mouth and express what was on my mind. Terrified that whatever I talked about I would be judged on.
I do not believe the how's or why's are important. A lot of fields of self support will probably attempt to tell you they're what you are trying to find, that you have to do a little soul searching in your past to drag up unpleasant memories. Or even that you need to completely regrese into being a child once again and suffer your parents being unkind, or your mates throwing you out of their circle. I am sorry folks this really is simply not very helpful, you can employ these like a crutch all you wish however it will not aid to get you to where you need to be.
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